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I 



LIFE AND ADVENTUEES 

OF 



?! 




By McARONE. 

- '•— i^^-^- 

J Entered nccordinff to Act of Confrrcss, in tho year 1865, by J, C. HllTET 
i & CO., m tho Co k"8 Office of the District Court of the U. S 

* for the Southern District of New York. 

J. C. HANEY & CO., 
109 ]^assau St., N. Y. 



!i 



J8Gi 



■■^r^- 



^' A 



LITTLE SQUIBS. 



ANDEOO JOHNSON.— His Life and Adventures, including 
his wonderful political progress from Alderman to President^^and 
bis celebrated 

STUMPING TOUE OUT WEST. 

BY PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. 

With a large number of humorous Illustrations. 

LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JEFF. DAVIS.— This 
little book has had an immense sale, at the south as well as at 
the north, and is generally considered to be a pretty good thing. 
It has some forty illustrations, several being full page ones, by 
Mc^ii'one. 

LINCOLN AND McOLELLAN — The "Lives" of Lincoln 
and McClellan were issued in two little " sqiiibs" during the ex- 
citing campaign of 18G4. After the election a large demand in- 
duced us to repubhsh them together. The tragic death of Mr. 
Lincoln, rendering the most painless and innocent things of this 
kind out of place and offensive, caused us to suppress the edition. 
As a souvenir of that campaign, it will no doubt be in demand. 
Both " lives" together, illustrated. 

HARDSHELL B ^PTIST STRIKES ILE.— This book was 
very popular during the oil excitement, and contains many good 
things which will be relished by lovers of burlesque. 

Handsome glazed cover, illustrated. 

THE HARP OP A THOUSAND STRINGS.— This is by 
the author of the Hardshell Baptist, and is mainly note-worthy 
for the celebrated burlesque sermon which has now become famous 
wherever the Enghsh language is spoken. The book met with 
moderate success. Illustrated. 

6®°" Any of these books can be had of any newsdealer, or by 
remitting price to the publishers. 

Price, Ten Cents per copy, or the five in one package for Forty 
Cents. 

J. 0. Haney & Co., Publishers, 109 Nassau street, N. T. 

Dealers •will please order from the Wholesale Dealers, of whom 
they get theu' usual supplied. 
Ameeican Nkws Co., Geneeal Agents. 



FRONTISPIECE. 




JEFFERSON DAVIS IIAEIXG HI'-R TOILET. 



PROLOGUE. 



•Homaaaa ani iio xqo dnihos 




GOING INTO THE EEBELIJON. 



BUELESQUE LH^E 



JEFF. DAYIS. 

B7 U'ABONE. 

EPPERSON 
DAVIS had the 
signal misfcr- 
txme to be born 
... a misfortune 
alike for him and 
for society at 
large ... on the 
3d day of June, 
eighteen h u n- 
dred and eight 

He committed 
this unpardon- 
able sin in Chris- 
tian county, Ken- 
tucky, a district 
that has p r o- 
duced, probably, 
as many horse- 
thieves as any 
other part of the 
terraqucou s 
globe. 

By the time ho 
was old enough 
to swear correct- 
ly, his father re- 
moved to Wood- 

ville, in Mississippi. It is understood that circumstances not totally 
nnconnected with his rent had their influence upon this change of 
residence. 

Fortune, however, favors the bold, and Old Davis was a bold man. 
By laboring industriously at cottonplanting and draw poker, he suc- 
ceeded in accumulaling the properly of several wealthy neighbors 
in a high-toned and chivalrous manner, and concluded to give his 
Bon the education of a Southern gentleman. 





6 

Accordingly, little Jeflfey was sent to Transylvania, Co'lege, where he 
learned reading, writing, 
arithmetic, geo- 
met-y, syntax, bot- 
any, secession, hydro- 
graphy, nullif i cation, 
trigonometry, mendaci- 
ty, and a variety of other 
useful knowledge. 

After hcJiing his tutor, 
he graduated with all the 
honors, and was consid- 
ered ready for a tei-m of 
study at West Point. 

Here he earned the 
warm regards of his fel- 
low students by the skill 
with which he compoun- 
ded gin cocktails, and 
the able-bodied manner 
in which he consumed 
them. In this labor of 
love he was generally 

assisted by several who ms genius. 

have since largely distinguished themselves in the confederate army 
and navy. 

CHAPTER H. 

N 1828, Jeff graduated for the second 
time, and West Point was obliged to 
yield him up. It is to be observed that 
that region of coiuitry has never done 
well, since. 

At this period, JefT. held a commission 
as brevet second lieutenant ; not the 
highest rank in the service, perhaps, but 
just see how much better than being 
fourth corporal ! 

Our hero was now, for the first time in 
his life, a gentleman, — that is, an oflBcer 
in the regular army ; and it is well 
known that all regular army officers are 
gentlemen, without exception. 

The chivalrous and noble savage got 
his beautifully-painted back up, at about 
this period, and began scalping the fron- 
tier settlers under the leadership of the 
wild untutored chief. Black Hawk. 

An almost interminable ruction en^ 
sued, in which the Indians were accos- 




tomed to bebave a good deal as the soldiers of the Confederate arrnj 
have since conducted themselves. 




now JEFF WAS PEOMOTED. 



Our pioad young lieutenant assumed h'.s most martial expression, 
put on a new pair of epaulettes, unsheathed his virgin sword, and 
rushed to the frontier of Florida in a mule-cart. The spectacle 
was said to bo sublime ; probably sublimer than blazes. 

On his arrival, he constructed a gin cocktsil for the commanding 
ofiBcer, who was so delighted with its delicacy and subtleness of flavor, 
that he at once appointed Lieutenant Davis aid-dc-camp on his staff, 
remarking at the same tune, that " a devilish fine bar-keeper waa 
ep'Ued when that young man entered the army.'" 



CHAPTER m. 

HE cocktails that 
Jeff, now mixed in 
his official capacity 
so fired his South- 
ern heart that he 
performed prodi- 
gies of valor. 

He withstood a 
terrific assault 
from an old half- 
■fareed squaw, arm- 
ed with a broom, 
and contested the 
ground with her 
for half a mile, fi- 
nally retreating in 
good order after 
the object of his 
reconno i s s a n c o 
had been attained. 
The difficulty 

with which this great strategic movement was accomplished, sug- 
gested to him the proprieb?^ of having a horse to bear him away 
from his enemies with greater celerity than his somewhat large feet 
could encompass. 

He accordingly applied for a position as First Lieutenant of dra- 
goons, and received his commission soon after. 

Mounted, be presented an awful and gloomy appearance. He was 
even at this immature age, a cadaverous-looking Southern gentleman, 
habitually wearing a full uniform, a sparse goatee and numerous 
pimples. In weight and complexion, he was inclined to be light ; in 
drinking, heavy ; in politics, Democratic ; in war, bloodthirsty but 
harmless. In other respects, nothing of any couseqtience. 

When Elack Hawk apd Tomahawk were played out, after sev- 
eral years of desultory fighting . . . much prolonged by the genera] 
antipathy for a vigorous prosecution of the war which the noble 
Southern army-gentlemen customarily displayed . . . Lieutenant 
Jeff, pursued the bubble reputation furtlicr into the cannon's mouth 
. . . where it unhappily burst ... in other Indian troubles. 




He not only slew, but got slewed. He devoured his enemies : at 
least those of a liquid nature ; aud earned the name of hard drinker, 
a har,d rider, a hard drill-masicr, and a hard case generally. 

In June, 1835, after seven ycare of aboriginal skirmishing on aa 
original plan, the Indian wars became serious, and Jeff, resigned hla 
lientenantcy with becoming resignation. 

It is quite needless to say that it was instantly accepted. 

CHAPTER IV. 

FTER eight tran- 
quil years of cot- 
ton planting and 
negro raising . . . 
in which last pur- 
suit he was ex- 
tremely skil Iful 
. . . Jefferson Davis 
left off beinga 
Southern gentle- 
man and began to 
be a Southern poli- 
tician. 

In 1843, when 
Polk was running 
the gauntlet of 
abuse usually en- 
dm"ed by candi- 
dates for tho Chief- 
Magistracy of the 
nation, Jeff, wag 
chosen elector for 
the State of Missis- 
sippi. The intelli- 
gent reader is undoubtedly aware that Polk was elected and in 
consequence of this fact some glory accrued to elector Davis. 

This glory bore him safely, if not triumphantly, into Congress in 
the year 1845. He had not been in the military scrvice-eo long that 
he could not be civil at times, and it is said that he behaved with 
very marked decen, y to the gentlemen who announced bis election 
to him. 

They all fell under the table in his dining-room a few hours after 
communicating the good news. 

But within one short year of this political splendor, <i shudder 
swept across the country. The swarthy and monte-loving descen- 
dan tof the Montczumas uplifted his flashing blade against our Texan 
border, and invited us in wrathful accents, to knock tho chips of 
discord from his athletic shoulder. 

The nation flew to arms. So did the First Mississippi Volunteers. 
J. Davis harangued them with burning eloquence and gin cocktails, 
to sncb snpematural extent that they unanimously elected him Colo* 




10 

nfil of the regiment. The then Governor of Mississippi drank a sin. 
gle cocktail, and instantly ratified the commission, stating that it 
was the proudest moment of his life . . . which it probably was. 




JEFF AS A PLANTER, 

It is not within the biographer's province to detail the entire hia- 
tory of the Mexican war, nor to relate the conduct of Colonel J. 
Davis -with reference to his regimental pay-roll. 

It is, however, to be mentioned that our hero reinforced General 
Zachary Taylor on the Rio Grande, and accompanied him through- 
out his campaign. 

At Monterey, he led his command into the thick of safety, but at 
Buena Vista he made a slight mistake, and got iuto a place where 
tliere were some Mexicans. He immediately formed his men in 
the shape of a V, with the point toward the enemy. 

The Mexican officers, not realizing that any body could be fool 
enough to receive an attack in this position, feared some new and 
hidden mystery in military science, and made but a timid and doubt- 
ful onslaught, so that Colonel Davis believed . . . and will, to his last 
day . . . that he had discovered an impregnable position. 

It has since been largely tried in Virginia, by various Confederate 
heroes, with different results. 

There was some little fighting after this, and Jeff, received several 



11 

severe wounds, but was, forhinaiolj, sober enoufjh to keep aia sad- 
dle, notwithstanding, until the cad of the bati,lc ; when he was 
highly complimented by General Taylor, who asiured him that he 
was not such a fool as be looked. 




THE HARANGUE. 



A little dog with a new brass collar could not be more justly 
proud than JefF. was on this occasion. 

He subsequently evinced his gratitude to the Grcneral, by marry- 
ing his daughter, in direct oppo ;ition to her father's wishes. 



CHAPTEP. V. 




N July, 1847, the term of 
service for which the first 
Mississippi was enlisted, ex- 
pired, and their noble colonel 
led them from the field of 
conflict in his accostomed 
dashing manner. On his arri- 
val at home, the great and 
good Polk offered him a brig- 
adier-generalohip of State 
Militiiu 

Now mark the instincts of 
the Southern gentleman. 

J. Davis declined this of- 
f T, on the ground that the 
State alone c.\n commission 
its officers, and that th; ir ap- 
pointment by tJie Executiva 



12 

would be an infraction of state rights. That is to say, tL'/ the Gov- 
erner of all the states, can not coDimission a militia-ofSceT. for one ol 
them. 

The principle of state rights is a very beautifal one, wii adapted 
to the meanest capacity. 

That is the reason of its popularity in the South. 

At about this period, a gentleman who had flUed a senatorial chair 
in the Mississippi legislatnu-e, had the misfortune to die, and JeflF. was 
appointed to take his place. 

" Now,'' said his chivalrous and high-toned comparlons, " now, we 
have indeed a man among us who linows how to m?.ke cock-tails !'* 

Whereupon, they elected him for the balance of the term. 

Of course he did nobly. He argued that the gi-eatness of the na- 
tion depended on tlie number of niggers owned in Mississippi, and 




FOOTE, RUNNING FOE THE GOVERNOESHIP. 

that if the Government was to be permanent and powerful, it must 
be subject to the whine of the sundry and various state rulers. 

The continuancy of this sapient curse were as delighted with his 
efforts that when he ran for the Governorship, shortly after, they 
elected his antagonist, Mr. Footo, by a majority of nine hundred 
and ninety-nine. 

This Mr. Foote, who vanquished Jeff, on that occasion, is the same 
gentleman who recently visited this city and was locked up in 
Eldridge-street jail. 

Having had his nose thus put out of joint, our hero retired to his 
farm, licked his niggers, drank his cocktails, and otherwise indulged 
in the pleasing pastoral pursuits of the high-toned Southern planter; 



V6 

varying his amusements occasionally with the more exciting exercl^ 
of a bowie-knife fight or a gouging match. 

Thus he lived, beloved by his neighbors and himself, until 1852, 
when Poor Pierce was selected as a candidate for the presidency. 

J. Davis then arose, like the lion from his lair, shook the dewdropa 




BEWAED OP POLITICAL VIETUE, 

from his mane, put on his tailed coat and satin stock, and entei«d 
the political arena with courage in his heart, fire in his eye, a quid in 
his cheek and a dirk down his back. 

His slumping was remarkably successful. He used convincing 
arguments, and undoubtedly advanced some of them in the form of 
a V, or may be an X, so Poor Pierce was sent to Washington to 
smile, and talk pretty to the foreign embassadors, and get very tight, 
° ud have bad portraits painted by Mr. Carpenter, and so on for four 
years. 

Virtue is its own reward, but in politics, not its only. " To the 
victors belong the spoils." The pretty President recognized the 
influence that J. Davis's labors had had, in electing him, and evinced 
his gratitude by making Davis Secretary of War, a very nice little 
berth in time of peace. 

Not quite so nice, however, as the presidency, and I am pained to 
say that the new secretary grew envious of tho new president. So 
much so, indeed, that he determined to bo president nimself, at all 
hazards ... if not of the whole country, of a portion, at least. 

While yet filling hLs post, he saw that tho North was getting 
stronger than tho South, and that his pet schemes of nullification 
and state rights would soon be obsolete unless sometlung were don* 
to give tlie South an advantage. 

Then it was that tho great Rebellion was Latched, and the little 
Confederacy planned. 

The army was at that time officered chiefly . . . almost entirely. . . 
by high-toned Southern gentlemen, who^sc chivalrous hearts were 
ripe for treason. These were pleased with JefFs action in increasing 
the anny by four new regiments, introducing light tactics and rifled 



14 

Arms, and above all, by greatly improving and strengthening the 
fortifications of the Southern frontiers and seacoast. 




tJp to this time Mr. Jefferson Davis attracted but little attention 
from the public in general. He was looked on simply as one of the 
many pabUc functionaries, which it is necessary for the credit of a 
free and enlightened people, should be supported at public ex- 
pense, and devote their time principally to their own private con- 
cerns. 

The fascinations of the capitol, did not however cause our hero 
to leave the path of duty, he still mixed his cocktails as faithfully 
as ever, and drew bis salary with exemplary promptitude. But 
events were on the tapis that were to make the name of J. Davis, 
Esq., shine, like the decaying fish in the Randolphian metaphor, 
which shines and stinks, shines and stinks, sir. Still, Davis ne- 
glected not his spiritual welfare, and Jeff, put many cocktails whera 
they would cease to be a temptation to the weak. 



15 
CHAPTER VI. 




HEN Abraham Lincoln 
and Hannibal Hamlin 
were nominated to the 
Presidency and Vice-Pre- 
sidency, the high-toned 
skallywags of the sunny 
South saw a fair excuse 
for developing their na- 
tural loveliness of charac- 
ter. 

Accordingly they nomi- 
nated three sets of can- 
didates from their own 
party, and swore that if 
Lincoln were elected they 
would disrupt the United 
States. 

Knowing very well, all 
the time, that if they ran 
three men for the Presi- 
dency, it would bo sura 



to elect the one who ran against them ; 
the one party being divided, and the other 
united. 

Naturally enough, Mr. Lincoln was elect- 
ed in November, 1860, and in the follow- 
ing month a secCBsion convention assem- 
bled in Charleston, S. C. aud passed an 
ordinance, taking South Carolina out of 
the Union. 

Hereupon, Major Anderson, loyal com- 
mander of the Charleston harbor-defences, 
went from Fort Moultrie, a weak place, 
to Fort Sumter, a strong place. His saga- 
city was very higiily applauded. Then 
Jno. B. Floyd, whoso portrait subsequently 
disfigured the llogues' Gallery in our New 
York police headquarters, resigned his 

Eosition as Secretary of War, to which he 
ad succeeded JefiF. Davis, and in which 
he had faithfully carried out all the de- 
sign? of that eminent bummer. 




HOW FLOYD LEFT THH 
TREASCTKY. 




16 

CHAPTER Vir. 

IGHTEEN sixty-one wag ushered in 
by a general crumble of all our solid 
institutions. It has taken four years 
to stop that crumble, and it will take 
ten more to re-build it. Confidence 
was not a public commodity at that 
time, though confidence-men were 
plenty and sat in high places. Arse- 
nals and vessels and forts were seized 
everywhere in the South, by State 
troops, and the initiatory gun of re- 
bellion was fired from the Morris 
Island forts at the steamer Star of the 
West, which was sent to Fort Sv.mter 
with reinforcements for Major An- 
derson. 

Howell Cobb, thitherto Secretary 
of the Treasury, had. sent nearly all 
the income of the Government to the 
South, and then, stealing the final six 
millions himself, magnanimously resigned. This action, and that of 
Floyd and Davis previously, gave the chivalry decidedly the inside 
track, so when South Carolina struck the fii'st blow, the other high- 
toned States followed in quick succession. 

On the 9th of January, Mississippi seconded South Carolina's 
example, and Jefil Davis, after maundering treason and fustion in 
the Senate about it, resigned, and left also. On his return to his 
adopted State, two influential white citizens wished him to assume 
command of his ancient regiment — 
the Ist Mississippi — but as that organ- 
ization could not be discovered, and 
as he had loftier views, he declined, 
and employed his energies in the 
noble task of firing the Southern 
heart. 

Alabama, Georgia, and Louisiana 
all made fools of themselves within 
this same month of January, by sece- 
ding ; and early in the next, while a 
Peace Congress was assembling at 
Washington, a Confederate conven- 
tion gathered at Montgomery, Ala- 
bama, and elected Jeff. " President 
of the Provisional Government of 
the Southern Confederacy." 

The whereabouts of the said South- 
ern Confederacy are at present un- 

tnown. THE INFLUENTIAL CITIZENS. 




17 

On the 18th of Febraary, '61, Jefif. was formally inaugurated to 
his new position, with Aleck Stephens as his Vice-President. It 
was said at the time that a president, with so few virtuea, could 
hardly need a vice. 

Both of these gentlemen are reported to have been very much 
tickled. 

On the 4th of March ensuing, Mr. Lincoln was inaugurated, and 
took the place of the poor, paltry, pattering, puny old public func- 
tionary, Buchanan, who had earned some reputation by being 
caricatured in the funny papers, but had no other claims to be con- 
sidered otherwise than in the light of a poor shoat. 

Hereupon Texas seceded. 

The Southern heart, meanwhile, did not seem to take fire with 
that degree of rapidity which Jeff, desired ; so, in order to give the 
ball a fair start, Fort Sumter was bombarded and, captured by the 
valiant and bloodthirsty Carolinians. 




FIBSX BOMBABDMENT OF SUMTER. 

(From a Southern Point of View.) 

"With tins brilliant acliievemect, the ball opened. President Lin- 
coln, abandoning the policy — or want of policy — of Buchanan, 
issued invitations for seventy-five thousand young men to pay a 
three months visit to the " sacred soil." This promising to be a 
rather pleasant excursion, the chances of " going down to Washing- 
ton to light for Abraham's daughter," who tui'ned out a mythical 
personage after all, were at a premium, and were jumped at with 
even greater alacrity than the bounty jumpmg of after days. 

Unable to say Nay, Virginia was carried out of the Union by a 
BCt of rascals imported for the purpose, and the Virgin State found 
berself in the hands of a Lctcbcr. 



18 

CHAPTER Vm. 

ASEINGTON was Booa 
filled with camps, and 
Jeff, discovered that he 
had imder taken a re- 
mart ably big job. He 
got quite sick thinking 
about it, and issued a 
proclamatioQ for the 
equipment of privateers 
and the granting of let- 
'^^ ters of marque, while on 
his sick bed. 

The fight had now ar- 
snmed really serious pro- 
portions. Two new levies of loyal troops were shortly called out, 
the Rebel Congress began its first regular session, and Tennessee 
seceded. Then Arkansas seceded. Then North Carolina seceded. 

The first battle of the war, that could be considered much more 
than a skirmish, was that of Cull Run. Most people have probably 
heard of it. It was there that Jeff's, militaiy prowess had its earliest 
oatlet since the memorable days of his V-shaped manceuvi'e at 
Buena Vista. 





He was on the ground in person, and modified Peter Beauregard's 
plans just enough to spoil them enturely. The result was that at the 
outset the chivalry got beautifully whipped ; so beautifully and 
easily, in fact, that the raw troops of the Union didn't imagine it 
was possible, and mistook the last ineffectual rally of the Rebels for 
an additional onslaught, fell into eonfasion, which soon became a 
panic, and ran all the way to Washington in disorder. 

This was considered very rusty, especially by the newspapers. 
Every editor in the North thought that if he had only been there 



19 

^be Rebels would all have been Idllecl, skinned and eaten, and the 
ftar-spangled bauncr in triumph should wave, etcetera, etcetera. 

V/liOQ the Rebels found that thero was no enemy in their fronts 
they contented themselves with bio ' ing about their overwhelming 
and decisive victory and sat down iK'hind theii' worlss, vcr. glad 
that the Union army was limning norlhward instead or southward. 
and very much afraid to follow it in any direction. 

After the battle, Jclf. drove triumphantly into Richmond in an 
open barouche, and accented the eniire credit of the victory, in a 
most gracioua manner. The newspapers of that city a; once ass-'erted, 
editorially, that Jeff, was a greater miliiary genius than Alexander, 
Hunuibal, or H. J. Raymond ; and that, compared with his talent, 
oflfensive and defensive, N. Euonapar tc and his marshals, not to speak 
of Charles XII. of Sweden, and others, were a set of poor-white 
trash whose annies couldn't have withstood the high-toned legions 
of the sunny South ten minutes ! 

ileanwhile, Peter Beauregard's gentlemanly and scholarly heroes 
weie disemboweling the wounded for bowie-knife practice, and 
making whiskey-goblets for their sweethearts out of the skulls of the 
dead. Jeff., having now some foundationfor popularity, became the 
idol of a large partv. They proclaimed tho Confederacy a fixed 
fact, and demanded its recognition by foreign powers. They ex- 
tolled Jeff, as the Saviour of the South, and the most admirable 
uesceudant of the cavaliers that ever licked a nigger or propagated 
half-breeds. In a word, things flourished in the Confederacy, and 
JcfiTs. darling dreams seemed in a pretty fair way to come to some- 
thing. These were his palmy days. He dwelt at the Spottswood House, 
ate the fat of the land and the fullness thereof, drank blockade- 
running champaigne, and squandered his ingeniouslj-contnved cur- 
rency, based upon tho old but ever popular financial lorinciplo of 
" heads, I win ; tails, you lose." (The foregoing passage is intended 
to be in the style of Barou Macaulay, only better.) 

CHAPTER IX. 

N the Febmary of the following year 
— 1862 — Jeff, was re-elected to the 
Presidency such as it was, by a large 
— rather a saspiciously large — majori- 
ty, for the full Confederate terra of six 
years. It is not known that he is like- 
ly to repeat that term. 

No sooner was ho fairly settled in 
the chair of the Executive, thim a 
brisk opposition began lo assail him. 
Some of the newspapers that had 
praised him loudest-mouthed, now 
declared him a thief, and, what waa 
still more impolite, proved it. 

This might not have had any great 

effect in the face of high successes on 

> tlie part of the Southern army and 




20 

flary ; but, unhappily for Jeff., tbe little affairs at Forts Htnry, Pu- 
lasla and Doneison, and Roanoke Island, Columbus, Pea-Ridge, 
Hamptod Roads, Newbern, Island No. 10., Winchester, Pittsburg 
Landing, and otliers, quite too numerous to mention, rather shook 
the faith of the poor-whites, jiist undergoing the fii'st pleasures of 




AK0SEMENTS OF THE CHIVALBY. 

conscriptiou, in the soundness of judgment displayed by the high.* 
toned Southern gentleman who y, as spending their money in Rich- 
mond. 

It is notable that JeflF.'s nobility of soul led him to desire a gentle 
and bloodless prosecution of the war — especially on our side. He 
constantly declared it barbarous and inhuman for us to hang poor 
fellows out West, who, out of mere playfulness and exuberance 
of animal spirits, persisted in farming by day, and throwing railroad 
cars off the track, murdering and scalping families picking oflP 
videttes, etc, by night , 

All such, he claimed, were '• good Confederates" — ^meaning bad 
Christians — and if we went on hanging them, he would retaliate. 

In fact, he got retaliation on the brain, at last. When General 
Butler (peace to his reputation !) issued his famous " woman order" 
in New Orleans, Jeff, proposed to retaliate. When we first hanged 
a spy, duly and according to the laws of civilized warfare, Jeff, 
put forth a retaliation proclamation at once. When President Lin- 
coln proclaimed the slaves of armed Rebels free, JeflT. spawned an 
order for retaliation. 

Thus, for several years, this good Confederate President perform- 
ed but two great public services : the signing of bills for raising 
new loans on cotton that belonged to somebody else, and orders for 
retaliation that could not be executed. 

In time, the mass of the Rebel armies becoming composed of 
anwilling conscripts, and these not greatly fancying the idea of 



21 

being soundly whipped in every battle, desertions grew esceedingly 
frequent, Indeed, the chivalrous sons of the cavaliers got so used 
to running away that they took every opportunity to do so, whether 
in an engagement or in camp. 




CHAPTER X. 

HE mighty chieftain, whose his- 
tory I am detailing, soon found his 
forces so weakened thus, that in 
August, 1863, he offered an am- 
nesty to all deserters, promising 
them a free pardon if tbey woulii 
return to his and their arms within 
sixty days. They didn't do it. 

Shortly after this, Mr. John B. 
Floyd rendered Lis country a 
signal service . for the first time 

Bince he became a politician. None other of all his acts ever gave 

such real pleasure to the patriotic portion of the nation. 
This he accomplished by dying, on the 26tb of August, 18G3. 
Jeff. Davis would have done 

well, both for himself and the 

rest of mankind, had he follow- 
ed his fellow-traitor's example. 

Unhappily, good taste was never 

numbered among his prominent 

qualities. 
In the ensuing Congress, held 

at Richmond, Jeff.'s time-hon- 
ored aad ancient enemy and 

rival, Mr. Henry S.Foote — who 

beat him in the contest for the 

Mississippi governorship some 

fourteen years before — got up 

and spoke out, among other 

things, some very wholesome 

truths, in very plain language. 
He averred that the Confed- 
eracy was going to the d ^1 

at a lively pace; which was 

true. That it might easily be '^ 

made a great success ; which ^ 

was false. That its navy of ) 

pirates had almost entirely gone 

to Davy Jones's LocLer ; which 

was true. That its sails should 

by that time have whitened 

every _ sea ; which was false. 

That its armies were getting 

soundly thrashed on every hand; 




EFFECT OP ms DEATH, UPON A DI8- 
TINGOISHED CHAKACTER. 



^' 



22 



wMch was tma That the heroism and nobility of their cause de- 
served better ; which was false. That all Confederate misfortunea 




THE REBEL GENERAL LYON. 

were due to the dishonesty, rapacity, incompetence and debauchery 
of the rulers, especially Jeff. Davis ; which was emphatically true. 

So true, indeed, that it made Jeff, wince perceptibly in spite of 
his famously hard cheek. 

Simultaneously with the attack of this senator, the opposition 
newspapers poured additional and increased volleys of hot shot 
into the Presidential hulk, until the people began to see how they 
had been duped, the army began to be disaffected, and things in 
general looked decidedly mixed. Peace resolutions were offered 
in the Rebel Congress, and every body clamored for a speedy end 
of the war. 

To these clamors, Jeff, responded by sending commissioners 
armed with plenary power to do nothing but vapor about recogni- 
tion, armistice, etc., to which he knew no Union statesman would 
listen for a moment. 

^ Meanwhile, Mr. Lincoln having been triumphantly re-elected Pre- 
sident, the cause of the high-toned Southern gentlemen grew more 
And more shaky. It appeared, in tact, to be actually upon its last 



23 

1^8 ; and Jeff., despairing of any other success, determined to ste i 
bH he could carry, aod run, when he found he could stay no longer. 




JEFF. AS AN ORATOR. 

His Secretaries of State and of War, unable to stand the racket, 
resigned Janu£\ry 20, '65, and he found it necessary to get up some 
eort of reaction. Accordingly, he and his few remaining partisan 
tools exerted themselves to the utmost, his own task being a speechi- 
fying tour about the country. 

These movements were not devoid of result. Foote, the implac- 
able, was expelled from the Rebel Congress, and went off to Emope 
on a blockade runner. The armies were likCAvise inspirited by a 
new consolidation, a little whiskey, and the appointment of General 
Lee Gencral-in-Chief— a sort of military dictator, which, however, 
has not proved so efQcient as our naval Dictator. 

The enthusiasm thus made to flicker up was but brief and ephem- 
eral. It was the last flash of a guttering candle, with a winding- 
sheet in the wick, soon to expire in a bad-smelling smoke. 

The whole Confederacy now consisted of about as much area as 
a smart horse could trot around in three days ; and there were a 
good many smart horses trotting around it. Its lines were getting 
drawn uncommonly tight, and any surveyor who wanted to make a 
map of it would have had a pretty easy time. 

The invaluable Confed- 
erate money sold, at this 
epoch, at about frsvo cents 
on the dollar, and buyers 
were not very anxious to 
get it even at that appar- 
ently moderate price. 

In order, then, to have 
something sure, Jeff, caused 
all the specie that could 
be found in his rapidly 
diraiiiLshing dominions to 
be brougliL to the Rich- 
mood banking hoi^ics, and 




CONFEDERATE LIKES. 



•#. 



24 



placed on deposit. He retained the keys to their specie vaults m 
der his o-wTi care— iflcMy as a measure of safety 

The taldng of Charleston, S. C, and Wilmington, N. C, following 
in quick succession, made s'dll farther trouble in the Confederate 
camp, and it is molanchol • to record that the once mighty Jeff, could 
think of no better way to restore confidence among his subjects, 
than by ordering a general day of fasting, humiliation and prayer. 
And this for a people who had been compelled to endure fasting 
and humiliation for many mouths already ! 

Under all these cii'cumstances, it cannot be considered a remark- 
able phenomenon that the Kebel Congress should declare it impos- 
sible to issue any more governmental currency. That issued 
hitherto could not be given away ; it was therefore judged inexpe- 
dient to continue printing it. 

Two days afterward tMa memorable Congress adjourned, sine die, 
and without appointing a future place of assembly. Indeed, some 
of them seemed a little incredulous about holding any more sessions 
at all ! 

Dreary, indeed, were these last days of the. Confederacy. Mrs. 




A DREADFUL POSSIBIITY. 

Davis saw with pain that the joyous spring-time was coming, and 
yet she kuew not what sort of bonnet to get, for ahe could not say 



^. 



25 



in wlint qnarfer of tho world lior seiiKon migbt be pat-seJ. Possibly 
in <»ouie remote sind uafrieudly region wliere bonnets are unknown 

[Let luo here stale tiiat ibis lady, «vhose geatle miud w.i-i thus 
exercised, is not the dau<!;liter of General Taylor, whom Jeff. Brdt 
espoused. She was fortunate enough to pass from the turmoil and 
turpitude of this world before she had to blush for the ignominy of 
her husband. After her demise he wedded a se<''ond time, and his 
partner then chosen— said to be a grand-daughter of General 
Howell, of New Jersey — ^joined her fortuned to those of the desperate 
firch-traitor, even unto the bitter end.] 

General Grant, learning the condition of things in Dixie at thia 
time, at once began a lively little movement along the entire line in 
(rout of Petersburg, and within twenty-four hours that city and 




THE MOVEMENT. 

Richmond were evacuated. They were occupied on the 3rd of 
April, and poor Jeflf. fled to Danville with his family and specie, in- 
augurating a wild goose chase, which only terminated in a sceno 
which I shall treasure up for the close of this work. 

It is a fine instance of poetic justice that President Lincoln should 
have lived to visit Richmond, and to hold a levee in Jeff.'s deserted 
mansion. Read by the light of this fact, how funny it is to remem- 
ber the boasts of tho high-toned Southern editors, t! .at Mrs. Davis 
had Issued cards for a dinner in the White house at TR ashington for 
July 4, 18C2. 

[A historian should not be a moralist ; but there ia so little that 
is moral about me, I may be pardoned the above reflortion.] 

While Jeff, went lightsomely skedaddling across lov3 toward an 
unknown destination, General Grant was suggesting \a General Lee 
that ho should surrender. 

" I could hold my ground," replied Lee, " and fight you forever. 
But not without loss of life, and a good general never loses life. 
Therefore, 1 surrender !" 

With tho news of tliia surrender, came that of the capture of 
Mobile. 

Confederate stocks experiencecPb perceptible decline. 

Through swamps and fens, where tho miasma and hoptoad bad it 
all their own way ; over corduroy roads and slopes of tinxbair where 



26 

no white man liad ever traveled or ever will travel without feeling 
hurt when he lits down, went Jeif., the fugitive President, accom- 




"'/,rf^ V 111 .N /.^> 







^.^^^ 



THIS FUOHT. 

punied by his family, a few dare-devil dragoons, and a small wagon 
train. 

His ill-goften specie soon disappeared. The carts containing it 
broke down, and the lucre was instantly taken in trust for JefiF. 
by a large number of soldiers, negroes, citizens and others, who 
doubtless intended remitting it to him in a letter as soou as he got 
settled. 

_ It was on a fine Oriental morning in the month of May, while the 
little hopscoots were singing their songs of praise, and the dew drops 
were shining celestially among the leaves of the odorous jimson- 
weed, that the gallant Fourth Michigan cavalry, under command of 
Colonel Pritchard, went slashing around the swampa that lie adja- 
cent to the highly Confederate village of IrwiosviUe, Irwin county, 
Georgia. 

There they siu^jrised a rustic camp, guarded by a stalwart^ but 
imid company of higb-toned dragoons, who partly fled, incontinent 
and speedy, and partly surrendered on sight. 

A marquee-tent, more closely guarded than the rest, attracted 
the especial notice of the inquisitive Michiganders. They approached 
Its opening, and demanded information on the subject of its occu- 
pants. 

" I hope," responded an undeniably feminine voice from within, 
"that you will allow us ladies time to dress before you take us pris- 
oners I" 

Colonel Pritchard being a tender-hearted hero, consented to this 
arrangement, and gave the ladies some minutes in which to complete 
their toilette. 

At the espiration of their armistice, Mrs. Jefferson Davis issued 
from the marquee, accompanied by a venerable but awkward wo- 
Eoan, who wore a wooden water pail upon her arm. 



27 

" I hope," said Mrs. Davis, " that you will allow myself and mo« 
thor to go to the spring for some watev before you take us prison- 
ers ?» 

The soldiers debated, inwardly, whether or not this could be pei»' 




THE COMING FORTH. 

mitted ; but meanwhile the mother and daughter were doing well 
in the way of making tracks for the swamp. 

They ran with considerable ability, and the jovial cavalrymen 
mighi have suiTered them to escape, had it not been for a slight 
thou.?]rh important accident. 

This should teach us the importance of proper education in youth. 
Had Jeff, but practiced private theatricals in his early days he 
would probably not have failed on the occasion of his debute in fe- 
male character before a Georgia audience. 

In clearing the trunk of a fallen tree, Old Mother Davis's skirts 
7-elded tl\cir folds to the wanton will of the morning breeze, and an 
cbservanfc trooper saw, beneath the swaying plenitude of crinoIin< 
a&d faded flannel, on unmititakable pair of top-bootsl 



28 




CAPHURB OF OLD MOTHER DAVIS. 



29 

•' Boots I boots ! —stop him I" cried (he astonished soldier. 
His comrades took up the cry, and in a moment a score of ye51ow 
trimmed cavaliers were in hot parsTxit. 




Tb'fre was but one way in which the chase could terminwte. 
Mother Davis was speedily suiTounded The deep hood which k»ad 
concealed the fugitive's features fell back, and revealed the hig-h- 
toncd but scraggy face and groy goatee of the President of theCiiQi* 
federate States of ^Vmerica I 




30 

" I thought," he cried, in accents wild, " yonr government were 
loo magnanimous to make war on women and children !" 

" Haw, haw, haw !" cried the cavalrymen. 

Kicking, scratching, biting and behaving in an otherwise feminine 
manner, Old Mother Davis was seized and conducted to Colonel 
Pritchard's headquaxters, while Mrs. D. came after, averring in shrill 
accents — 

" You'd better not meddle with Mr. Davis ; he may hurt some of 
you!" 

As being hurt is part of the cavalry trade, this timely warning 
passed unheeded, and Old Mother Davis was soon persuaded to 
quietude by the exhibition of divers revolvers. 

With tho party were also captured Confederate Postmaster-General 
Reagan, Colonel Harrison (private secretary to Jeff.), Colonel John- 
eon (aid-de-camp), and others. The entire gang was forwarded at 
once to Fortress Monroe, arriving at that pleasant watering place in 
irons, on the steamer William P. Clyde. 

Here he manifested some discontent with his rations, intimating 
that it was not " the kind of thing to which he was accustomed," 
&c., &c. This was indeed probable, for since JefiF. has been eighteen 
years of age he has been fed at the expense of Uncle Sam— with the 
interval between 18C1 and 18G5 (when Jeff, left his old boarding- 
house) — and that old gentleman keeps a tolerably good table. It 
is quite natural, however, that the cooks should be a little rougher 
than they used to be in old times, some of them having learned at 
Andersonville, Millen and Libby, where the aim of (he cook waa 
rather to satisfy hunger than to ticke the palate. The doctor now 
sends Jeff, all his meals from his o«n table, and Jeff, feels more 
comfortable, which must make his friends in the South feel better, 
for they still love him very much there, where they regard him as 
the author of all the many blessings which they now enjoy. 

Jeff.'s family were sent to Richmond, and thence South, in a few 
days. He did not feel able to accompany them for obvious reason?. 




OBVIOUS REASONS. 



Indeed, after arriving at Monroe, he kept his room quite scrup- 
iously, receiving hardly any company, and leading a decidedly re- 
tired life. 



31 

What the close of his seclusion may be, I know^ not at this 
present writins:, but I can express what it should be, accord- 
ing to the verdict of the American people, in this simple illustrO' 
tion that follows, and which alone can fitly end the Life of Jefferson 
Dayis. 




THS ES9. 



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END OF THE BOOK AND END OF JEPP. DAVIS. 



